Talking to myself.

When i’m not talking much, i am actually processing the buckets of thoughts in my mind. I have many of them, which, as time goes on, not being expressed by me anymore.

Sometimes i just have a very simple thought, that might sound silly to people. And when i expressed it, people mocked and teased me, making me feel like an idiot with weird mind. Whether they really mean it or not, the way they eyed at you and tried to oppose your speech with a evilly proud smirk, is actually quite awful to some extend. Just like when i said i will protect certain people i love from being harmed by the evil parties. Then certain people, worse, people i actually CARE, would scoff and laugh at my ignorant thoughts, making me sound like some pathetically naive kid with some super impossible dream. Or sometimes, you just simply blabbered on your affection towards some stuffs. And the way they replied you would send you to the ground as if it is saying “Oh yes we all know that, we know. So just stop expressing it because we don’t really care what you love, bitch.”

So i would just talk less and keep thoughts to myself. I don’t even bother to explain much when people have wrong accusation towards me. Like what i’d mentioned in previous post, people just like to stick a paper saying “EMO QUEEN” on my forehead when i kept quite. That’s all they think, that’s all they conclude, that’s all they spread. As if my job in this world is to say all the silly things i have been saying and being joked about it instead of keeping them to myself.

As you grown up it is hard to be yourself sometimes.

And there’s this recent rumour that even sank my heart. If it ever happened to be true, i will start losing even more trust to people. I will shut myself even more, afraid in believing anyone because nothing is certain. And why did i keep guessing instead of finding out the truth and get everything crystal clear? Guess i’m too coward to face any potential ugly truth.

I just learnt to reply everything with faded smile and soft voice.