Alone.

My life suck a big time this week. Luck was never on my side.

Viva distinction interview? Screwed it a big time. Things start sinking in my head and reluctant to come out during interview. Things i knew wouldn’t pop up. I know the answer to all question. I swear i do. If the interview is during exam period. Now holiday mood overrides everything and my poor brain wouldn’t function properly. Don’t comfort me that “oh congrats i’m SURE you did well for the exam” because you are not me and you don’t know how badly i performed compared to my written papers. I did not mention, specifically, to anyone how badly i performed. I just smiled away when people ask.

I swear that in my heart i know my written papers are okay even before i get the list. I was only aiming for a B, initially. But when the whole damn world keep brainwashing you that you-are-viva-student-you-are-viva-student-you-are-viva-student, you can’t help but start believing you can be one. Imagine the damn butterflies in my stomach when i was waiting for the list to come out. Damn, i wasn’t even suppose to worry about NOT getting a viva distinction. Is was suppose to be a bonus. But when the world damn world was expecting so much on you, a bonus became a pressure, a must, an essential thing to achieve. Can you imagine that?

Whatever it is, that’s over. Now a more depressing thing crawl in my effing life. I swear, EFF IT.

I wasn’t blaming anything because it is fate. This accommodation thing is turning me into an abandoned baby. Is like you are sailing in the sea with all the dearest people, they find their harbour here and there and you are still, in the middle of the ocean, sailing aimlessly. Having no where to go.

I’m unsure whether it is because i’m so dependent on certain people in my University life and i’m afraid to lose their companion so much. Miss being pampered in some way, miss the fun and everything. My Uni live revolves around them.

And when all the closest people are no longer beside sheltering me, i felt like i’d been dumped into the black hole, losing all sense of security. It turned me into a little girl, hugging my teddy bear, sobbing myself to sleep. Yes you might think i’m so freaking weak, too dependent on people, and blah blah blah. Yes i’m a useless coward sheltered little bitch. Whatever!

You don’t know how empty i felt right now. I know my dearest companions promised that everything will be the same, but deep inside i know something is gonna be different.

All on my own now.

Aimless.

Where to go?

Another list tonight? Dare not put any freaking hope on anything. Please dont make me die of bradykardia.

-blog typed in the Friday evening and is only posted now due to Blogger problem.. i appreciate those who tried their best to help me, esp Nadia and Khai Kent.. Thanks a lot! *hugs*

Comments

  1. paixe not knowing that really..sense something wrong when ur fb comment is sooo cold...u always have a correct mindset when it comes to studying, rmb when u said exam is just a test to know how much you understand ??? sometimes, no..most of the times, i will be frustrated how things cannot come out too even when i've studied them just 1 hr ago...whatever it is, don't think that u r alone, you are not. =D

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  2. Feeling alot alot more better now... My guys friends (the 'tigers') and my roommate approached me and ask me nt to worry because they will try their best to help and wont leave me alone.. Those words are very securing.. :) Thanks sis for the concern.. Miss youuuu lotsss!!

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