I’m optimistic; I’m pessimistic.

Oh i hate this very very very much.

It was my mistake to nod my head when Daph asked whether want to join her team for the volleyball competition. Why must i move my head vertically instead of horizontally at that time? WHY?

Perhaps it was right after lunch, and i got quite high for having my stomach filled with fooooooods again after starving for hours during classes.

It was a stupid move at the first place!

Firstly, i’m very optimistic towards it. I thought, oh, never tried this before huh? Maybe i should give it a try, and ENJOY it! We are not thinking of grabbing that shiny gold medals that glimmer under the hot sun of Changlun. We are just gonna have fun, right?

So not fun. I can’t possibly enjoy this.

I’m NOT comfortable to do things i’m NOT confident with!

You know why you can always spot my (annoying) figures in competitions that requires art and creativity? Poster drawing, Banner drawing, Pot decorating, Kolam, or even the CNY design team. Partially because i know i stand a chance for these competition, but the most vital thing of all, is i know that I CAN DO THESE THINGS. I have the ABILITY, and i have the INTEREST.

And now, i’m having zero interest in volleyball (hurting your wrisk under the god-damn unbearable weather would not be something pleasant to bear with), and i have negative tallent/ ability in it. I KNEW IT! Throughout this 19 years of existence on Earth, i know my talent in sports is almost nil. So why, TEE YI TING, WHY in the crap you promised your friend to do something that you can’t do?

I’m not talking about the confidence of WINNING. I’m talking about the confidence to even make a strike. If you weren’t there, you will never know how bad can it be.

I’m hurt, both physically and mentally. My wrist is aching, my heart is being churned in a blender. Holy shyt.

Is just like the case where i performed during the English Carnival night, and it is worse than it. I’ve said i can’t perform on stage alone, and see what happened? I trembled like crap on stage.

Holy shyt once again.

I don’t know what’s wrong with my cerebrum. What’s wrong with my nerves, my dendrites, my axons, my whatever. Gah!

I’m fated to be a 宅女 that can only study in room, do rope-jumping in room, doodle in room, gossip in room, party in room, eat in room, undergo the process of excretion in room. Ah, lifeless.