I'm NOT a genius.

100th post. Yeah. (Note the "yeah" ends with a full stop instead of exclamation mark. Sounds so sarcastic).

I'm suppose to come out with a happy post to celebrate my 100th post. Yet, i can't, for things occurred to me these days were unable to cheer me up, so bad that i don't feel like celebrating the 100th post.


I don't know what happened to me. Not that i really screwed my exam papers, but i did so many unacceptable idiotic mistakes. The grade and marks i have achieved might sounds excellent to the others but not myself.

Was it due to the expectation from teachers, or myself?

For Add Maths. I did not create my OWN formula this time (yes. or else I'm really gonna knock my head off), but i did more mistake than usual.

For example:


1 into 2

3(3h +10) = 4(3h+10) +1

Yes. See that? it is so extremely stupid, and i couldn't believe i was this SMART. Even kindergarten kids can differentiate "h" and "k" better than i do.

This is not the only one.

In maths paper, something similar occurred again.


m² - m-6=0
*press calculator*
x=3 , x=-2

See that?


I'm speechless.

Other mistakes include mistaken something 13275 as 12375, and much more things that looks insignificant.

All of the sudden, all silly mistakes seems to attack me in torrent.

The sarcastic things was, during Maths exam, i still have plenty of time after i finished the paper, until i still got the time to go to the TOILET.

And i didn't realise such mistakes.

The bad feeling of having imperfect Maths marks has been haunting me since yesterday, when i met teacher in the staffroom. She replied "Heh! You arh.." when i asked her regarding the exam papers.

I'm so in a bad mood today.

You can call me not-easily satisfied, egoistic, overwhelmed with jealously, afraid to lose, overreacted, sensitive, narrow-minded, whatever it is. I admit i am. I am too afraid to lose. Being the top is not as easy as what you think. People don't see your improvement. They comment when you don't score well as what they have expected. Sometimes i hope i'm just one of the top5 in the class since the very beginning. I really do. When you achieved something, and you are so used to that comforting feeling, and you would be unable to give up to it.

Academic achievement is the only thing that make me stand out from my friends. I sucks in sports. I don't have high post in clubs and society. My sense of art is declining. I did not go on stage and perform dances very often. I can't speak confidently in front of the crowd. My language is still below the level of typical From5 students. I can't play piano even though i love that instrument so much. Frankly i don't think i have a good voice, either, even though my friends disagree so.

And among all subjects, i care about Maths and Add Maths the most. I WANT to be the top scorer of this two subjects. Yes, I'm being very frank here, voicing this thought of mine out in my blog. You might say I'm greedy. I'm arrogant. Again, whatever it is. But this little hope of mine is impossible to be fulfilled now. I don't mind not having the highest score for my languages, moral, or history. I might not be THAT sad if I'm not the top scorer for Science subjects, as well. But my MATHS and ADD MATHS!

Speechless. Again.

Blame no one but myself.