I admit.

I admit i was in damn freaking mad mood that day, due to my screwed up paper.
(maybe you think the mark is not screwed up but it does for me.)

And due to some "personal problems", i was having that uncomfortable feeling for that whole day.

That is why small things like such trigger my mood so much and cause me to have such reaction.

I know I'm overreacted. I'm not denying it.

So whatever word you want to use to describe my action. I'm just too tired to care for it.

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You know why the blog is named "Inverted Hourglass"? Because i seriously hope to stay as a small kid, FOREVER. Because when you grow up, everything just change so much, so much but you have no choice but to cope with it.

When little kid said something wrong, no ones blame them. When they play with their parents hand, pleading them to buy her favorite doll, nobody thinks that she's acting cute. Everything is just so simple.

But as we grow older, we have to take in so many things into consideration. I know growth is irreversible and it is a must for everyone, not only physically, but also mentally. But it is just so tired sometimes. Whatever it is, the nerve impulses stimulating one certain action have to pass through the brain for more than 3 times. It is exhausting. Really.

Even when certain action you did may sounds OK to your own, but people look at it in different way. Sometimes i seriously salute those courageous people that is able to voice out loud without worrying about what the others will think about him/her. I wish i am one of them. But obviously i can't. I tend to take one's comment on me very much. Like what i mentioned in my previous post, this is why i was so concerned about my exam grades. It is bad. I know.

And time does change people, whether you like it or not. The changes just accumulate day by day. You might not see that from your own perspective, but the others does. Again, it is my fault to be so easily influenced by the others? I admit i got influenced by the others easily, but i can't seems to control it. And i got influence not because i want to be in the gang, for i know it will be very suffering not to be your own self just to fit in the group.

But I'm not! I'm not faking myself everyday in my life. My laughter come from my sincere heart. When i said something, i mean it. It is not because of the sake of the gang.

AND AGAIN, people tend to look at this differently. People might prefer your old self. But i can't just be my old self again. If i would do so, I'm not being my own self (this sounds a bit deep..). Even though you might give negative comments regarding my attitude, but it is me. It is me in the year of 2008.

These stuffs tired me so much because i tend to go into deep consideration when i have to make a big decision. When i was pissed off and overreacted, that is another matter, because i was blinded with the flame of anger, and i did not bother to think twice before i strike into an action. But in ordinary situation, i tend to take too long to make a particular decision, even small things like whether or not to cut my hair. I have to think so much, until i become a very timid person. I'm very afraid that i would make the wrong decision, say the wrong word, did the wrong thing, and WHAT WILL HAPPENED IF I DID SOMETHING WRONG. Again and again, it is because of how the others look at me again. Tired. Tired. I became a coward. I'm afraid to make decision nowadays. Even simple things like whether or not to utter a word.

Seriously speaking, i don't understand myself. Many characteristics of mine are just so contrast with each other. Want to be myself, but at the same time i care about the way the others look at me TOO MUCH. I like Science subjects, but arts as well. Sometimes i prefer to be alone, but loneliness is so scary sometimes until i MUST get a company.

OHHH MY GOSHHH.
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Someone please tell me what to do.

Stop bothering what the others think about me?
Try to become my old self again?
Swallow back my tears and anger when i feel like expressing out, for people will criticise me just because i scold people madly ONCE IN A WHILE?
Shut my mouth up and look at my books?
Stop hanging around with the others?
Give my action 10 thoughts before i strike into an action?

What the HELL am i suppose to do larh!

Life is just so difficult.

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